Full of Rocks



This is a difficult time of year for me; I’d forgotten just how dark the winters are here in Dawson City. It’s been something like 3 years since I was here in December. With the kids, our day begins at 5 am…a full 5 hours before the first light in the sky. And because we’re in a valley, we don’t actually see the sun in the sky for several weeks (I seem to remember that it’s the second or third week of January when we get the first fleeting glimpse). The sun begins to set around 3:30. It’s hard.

I feel this sluggishness that seems to correlate. And maybe we’re meant to really hibernate at this time of year. My first winters here, childless, were spent binge-watching the t.v. series we could rent from the video store (pre-Netflix, don’t ya know) and smoking copious amounts of pot. I’d get out for a walk when there was light. We’d visit friends, the ones with the best sun exposure usually, and drink beer out of cans. Brunch, dinner parties, gatherings of friends in kitchens; it was not so bad. It was novel, in a way. The quality of light or cold, all new to me and my friends.

But now there are so many demands on me, and also I’m 10 years older. I suppose, children or no, I’m happy to be past those fuzzy days spent stoned on the couch. And I’d like to be able to access some kind of motivation, or a continuation of the motivation I feel in the sunnier months. But the long dark fills my veins. It feels like a game we used to play as kids: you’d lay down, eyes closed, and someone would run their fingernail along your outstretched arms, tell you they were cutting you open. Then they’d lightly patter their fingers along the cut, then, more pressure with their fists. Filling you with pebbles, then boulders. They’d pinch along the cut, stitching you up, then tell you to lift your arms–they’d be so heavy. It’s like that, with the winter dark and cold. My limbs are full of it. It’s a monumental effort to write this now. Monumental effort to engage with the kids. The thought of getting all of us dressed, only to spend 10 minutes in the yard with at least one of us crying that it’s cold, is not motivating. I confess to not getting the kids outside much at all, lately. I’m so thankful Aedan goes to school, has recess. It’s one less thing for me to stress about.

There are families that thrive here. I see their pictures on Facebook: tobogganing, skating on frozen ponds, snowmobiling along the trails. It makes me so tired just to think of it. Maybe it’s SAD. Maybe I just need the right supplements, or a swift kick in the ass. What I do know is that I’m taking the kids to London for Christmas: we leave on Sunday and I know that even just a couple more hours of daylight will make the difference. Or I hope it will.

How do you cope with the winter months? Are you able to stay motivated or, like me, would you rather stay in bed til March?

4 thoughts on “Full of Rocks”

  1. Oh, the dark and cold is crazy hard combo – esp with young kids! Of course you’re staying in. I often do the same and my winters are mild. Please go easy on yourself. And maybe consider a vitamin D lamp?? I hear they can help a bit. Sending you love and compassion.


  2. I’ve never been there, let alone lived in an area that’s dark so much. However, I’m from California and was living in Indiana for six years. The winters there were awful enough for me. The last four-ish years were spent taking care of my nephews who are now 5 & 4 years old, and I so relate to the getting outside just so someone can complain they’re cold lol. I admit, it was usually me. The oldest boy also had issues with cold bothering him too but as he got older and we all braved the cold more often, it got a little easier. I hope you find some joy in the cold and darkness. There are still wonderful things to do with the kids in those circumstances, but it’s hard to get into a rhythm with it!


  3. Tara, I think you’re doing pretty darn well surviving the extreme sunlight-deprivation. I struggle at this time of year too. Years ago, when I lived in Santa Fe, where the sun shines brightly year-round, the winters were so much easier. I’ve been confined to the house all week and it’s been difficult to motivate. On Thursday night I drove around by myself singing Florence and the Machine’s “Shake It Out” and then aimlessly wandered Target just for a change of scenery. Getting out and exercising, getting the blood flowing helps a lot, but I know how hard it can be to motivate, especially when there are little ones to wrangle and dress. But London at Christmas will be full of light, and it won’t be long now. I can’t wait to hear about your trip!


    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Sarah! I often forget just how helpful it can be to even do like you did, drive around, listen to a favourite song. I’m going to try and remember that next time I’m feeling stuck! Hoping to get back into some regular exercise, too. : )

      Liked by 1 person

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